Thursday, January 22, 2009

Well. Hmm. Fuck.

Note: this is one of those "woe is me" entries that I usually just think to myself in my head until it builds and builds and I get even more pissed off at the world than I am right now. I'm not looking for pity or a "you're great, Andy!" I just need to get this down on something before it makes my head explode.

For fuck's sake, what is wrong with me?

I like to think I'm a pretty good guy. I wouldn't say "nice", because at times I'm too sarcastic. I make off-color jokes because I think they're hilarious and my close friends do, too. I tend to fake going off the deep end for a laugh. But I'm pretty sure I'm a good goddamn person.

I keep hitting these obstacles, man. I'm not athletic enough for you. I'm not nice enough for you. I'm not rich enough for you. I'm too loyal to you. I'm too in love with you. You're not ready for marriage even though you said yes (my personal favorite, by the way).

Well fuck, and here I thought we were doing well. Which leads me to the question: am I completely fucking wrong about my perception of me?

Maybe I'm not as funny as I thought, or as smart, or as sarcastic, or as (shudder) nice as I thought. Maybe I really am just some smug asshole with an inferiority complex about his superiority complex who no one will ever truly accept and who brings nothing else to the table.

And by "no one", of course, I'm talking about women.

For all the bullshit I hear about women needing a man who first and foremost makes her laugh, it seems like I'm the comic relief who ends up in a perpetual month-long tango rife with dinner dates, an activity or two, and a "you're a great guy, but I just don't see it happening" know, just to drive the point home that either a) I am funny, nice, and whatnot but just not attractive; or b) I'm none of those things mentioned in part "A" in addition to being unattractive.

Fuck, it's not like I'm trying to be the way I am; it just is what it is. I don't want to have to change my sense of humor, or my level of intelligence. I don't even want to pretend they aren't what they are. I want someone who accepts me for me. Now I'm almost 28 fucking years old and I'm right back where I started when I was 21. Even worse, I only drink good booze so I can't even drown my sorrows for less than $30 on a good night without eating dinner.

I want to be with someone; I hate being alone. I'm just not willing to sacrifice who I am to get there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, fuck you all. I change for no one. If you can't accept it, die. Seriously. I'm going to bed.

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